just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
