Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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