what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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