Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
