i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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