It's like God shit irony all over that family
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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