It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize