I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
