I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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