he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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