As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the day after is always just damage control
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
