she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
