this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
