saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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