Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
