its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
