i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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