apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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