When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
