haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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