I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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