So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
