I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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