So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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