I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
