Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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