I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
