So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
