Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
