I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
