if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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