She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
