At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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