Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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