why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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