listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
