His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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