Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize