Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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