haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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