did you get engaged???
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You may now shotgun with the bride
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
