ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
