I hate your face
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
