pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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