i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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