do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
