you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
