I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
