Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
