I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
