What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
