hotel room ftw
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
