i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Someone came in the potted fern
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize