Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize