i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
