No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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